Profound discussions on Iranian culture

I was watching Omid Djalili the other day (and what more reliable source could there be) and he mentioned that Iranian carpetmakers will deliberately make an error in their designs, because only Allah is perfect.

I realise that discussing Islamic theology online is fraught with peril, particularly when I don’t know the first thing about it, but that seems a little presumptuous to me. Surely their innate human fallibility should ensure unintentional flaws, rather than them having to rely on deliberate mistakes to disfigure the carpets.

However, I’d be more concerned if this practice was replicated in other sections of the Iranian economy. Perhaps the reason Tehran does not have a flourishing automobile industry may well be down to people suspecting that the brakes might be faulty as a gesture of man’s imperfection.

Imagine if you were in an Iranian aeroplane. You’d probably be delighted to find that your seat adjuster or TV screen were broken, in the hope that you’d located the deliberate mistake. But you couldn’t be entirely certain that it wasn’t just a routine malfunction and that the undercarriage wasn’t deficient.

Perhaps the reason the US is so exercised by Ahmadinejad’s focus on nuclear power is not that they fear it being adapted for military usage, but simply that a meltdown may result from excessive fervency amongst it’s designers.

Dr Pangloss, Probation Officer

Dr Pangloss is an updated version of the character in Candide, combined with my friend, Alison. The idea is to have him dealing with several modern jobs that must try the most optimistic of people. I should credit Bry for, at least in part, giving me the idea - though she naturally bears no responsibility for my botching the concept. 

Dr Pangloss is waiting in his office, as yet another troubled young man, Dean Simmons, is ushered sullenly in to meet him.

Convinced that Dean’s hostile manner was simply a manifestation of nerves and awkwardness, Pangloss beamed at him and bade him feel at home. Then he shuffled throughhis papers and found the information relating to this offender. Grievious bodily harm with intent, and possession of an offensive weapon. Apparently he’d threatened some fifteen year old kid with a knife, punched him to the ground and then kicked him repeatedly to the head when he was down there.

“So, Mr Simmonds, can I call you Dean?”

“Whatever.”

“Dean, I see you pleaded not guilty, so I assume that you didn’t do it and are the victim of a terrible miscarriage of justice.”

Dean seemed to briefly consider this, then shook his head decisively.

“Nah, I done it all right, I was just hoping there might be, like, a few morons in the jury I could fool.”

“Ah, OK. Well, it’s posive that you accept your guilt, is that indicative that you feel some remorse for it?”

“No way, given the chance I’d do the little fucker again.”

The Louvre Courtyard

In my French class we were asked to write the story behind a photograph. I can’t find the image online currently, but it was Cour Carree du Louvre by Robert Doisneau, and it depicted a small boy playing with a dog in the Louvre courtyard, oblivious to his surroundings.  Here’s the English version - obviously, the French version was more lyrical, more poetic and wittier.

Sordid Secrets of Medieval Monarchs

Alexander the Great, Ivan the Terrible, Pedro the Cruel. Many countries in Europe choose to regularly identify their rulers with an adjective, so much so that in Russia it seems that all you had to do was to survive the coronation to earn the appellation “great”. Further west, descriptions tended to be more personal, Charles the Bald, Louis the Fat and Joanna the Mad among those who’ve graced the palaces of Western Europe.

The kings and queens of England have proved relatively immune to this trend, especially after the Saxon kings like Alfred the Great, Æthelread the Unready and Edward the Confessor were displaced by the Normans. Our rulers have tended to be known by number alone – roman numerals to emphasise their elevated status. So Henry VIII is the name that is recorded in the history books, not Henry the Wifekiller. The truly great royals are noted in other ways; such as the BBC Sports Personality of the Year Award.

However, this is not the full story and many of our Kings and Queens did have contemporary nicknames based upon their personal, often sexual, peccadilloes that censorious historians, mindful of the impressionable minds of their young students, sought to suppress. They have been remarkably successful in this endeavour, with only the most evocative descriptions – like Richard Lionheart – remaining in popular consciousness, and then only distorted from its origins.

Now the true story is revealed.

Welsh Weather Forecast Storm

More sub-The Onion nonsense

The controversy over the alleged distortions of the ITV Wales weather forecast grew today with sponsors bmi baby putting out a press release which appeared to contain admissions that they had been pressurising the programme to give deliberately erroneous forecasts.

Which is the perfect AfterWorld for YOU?

Heaven

Jay(presenter, male, 30s, dark haired, smooth)
Walking along a deserted beach, talking to camera
So, you’ve got your life all planned out, celibacy, monogamy, polygamy, kids, no kids, job, no job, whatever suits your style. But there is one decision left to make. All those low fat, lo-cal meals and gym workouts can’t put it off forever. He stops, looks straight at the camera. You’re going to die. Pause, then continues walking.

Of course that doesn’t mean that everything has to come to an end. Sure, you can choose to rot away in your coffin, but there’s no need to. Thanks to a variety of deities there are a wide range of paradises, nirvanas, utopias and even dystopias available, sufficient to satisfy the eternal needs of the most demanding of you.

There’s only one problem, with such a bewildering array of options, which one should you choose? It can be very difficult to get balanced information on which to base a decision. There’s no shortage of advocates for any particular choice, but these salespeople always make out that their product is the only possible one, making it very difficult to shop around. Until now. Now, for the first time ever on Network Television, for your entertainment and enlightenment, we present … the definitive guide to the Afterlife.

Which is the perfect AfterWorld for YOU? (2)

Hell

Jay (still standing on the same beach, though now it is evening)

Welcome back. We’ve had a huge response to our program last week, with many people claiming they have renounced sin in order to get into the Kingdom of Heaven. Church attendance has soared amongst subscribers to our show. But now we want to examine a different point of view. Let’s go straight to our reporter, Daryll, as he travels down the famous Road to Hell.

Which is the perfect Afterworld for YOU? (3)

Valhalla 

Jay, now standing on the edge of a cliff, looking over a bay. The surroundings are rather rugged, but there is a nice sun shining. The brilliance of the sunlight is naturally no match for the dazzle from his teeth though.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Again, we got a huge response to last week’s episode; with thousands of people expressing their desire to burn in hell. Unfortunately we got a less positive response from our lawyers over our planned episode tonight, examining Islamic paradise. So, instead we’re going to look at an Afterworld with plenty of historical resonance, but one which may be perceived as lacking contemporary relevance. We’re going to demonstrate just how misguided that perception is. Tonight, we’re examining Valhalla. Our reporter tonight is Tyrone.

Korfball terminology

It is sometimes confusing for a new player to understand the vast array of jargon that has inevitably sprung up within the sport. To ease the learning process for new players, here is a list of some of the terms that you might hear in a korfball match, tournament or training session, and what they mean at the party later on!

Sweden/Norway, 2006

Summer trip to play korfball in Stockholm, visit friends in Oslo and admire fjords.