Sub-The Onion nonsense
The government yesterday unveiled their most radical solution yet to the problem of paying for the UK’s ageing population. While social security minister, Chris Davison said that some of the details remained to be finalised, the government was firmly committed to the plan as the only other alternative sources of funding for the healthcare and pensions of Britain’s growing army of OAPs were outlandish ones like taxing those on high incomes.
The basic premise of the scheme is that every British citizen is to receive an implant that will detonate on the day after their 70th birthday, killing them reasonably quickly and without too much agonising pain. Explaining how the government had come up with the proposal, Davison revealed that he’d heard the phrase “pension’s time bomb” so often that it had put the idea into his head. For the same reason, he’d decided that a minor incendiary device was the best way to bring about the deaths of British citizens, even though medical experts suggested that lethal injection of some sort might be more humane.
Facing media criticism that these proposals were immoral and cruel, Davison responded that by terminating people’s lives at 70 he was not only following biblical ideas that human’s natural life span is three score and ten, but also ideas followed by various tribes for much of human history, that those too old to make a real contribution to the tribe would sacrifice themselves. Furthermore, he noted that by allowing people to know the date they would die, the government had given them the perfect opportunity to get their affairs in order, settle any family feuds and complete any other goals that they had to achieve. Not only that, but by delaying the activation of the device until the day after they passed 70, the pensioners concerned would be able to enjoy their birthday celebrations to the full.
He added that for people who were adamant in their desire to drag out their life as long as possible, the government were considering removing the implants for all those emigrating from the British Isles. In the words of an anonymous member of Davison’s office, “We’re not monsters, we don’t have any particular desire to kill people, we just don’t want to pay for the whinging, parasitical old bastards. If they can get some other country to pay for their hip replacements then they are welcome to go.”
The Conservative party was quick to attack the proposals as further examples of the government’s interference with personal freedoms, and as an attack on hard-working Britons. Spokesman Crispin Twomley issued the following statement:
While we share the government’s desire to reduce the burden that a growing unproductive section of the population such as the elderly represents, we firmly opposed the government’s philosophy on how to approach this. Rather than simply allowing those who cannot afford to look after themselves to die through malnutrition or in the winter freeze, the government insists on what will no doubt be a costly and inefficient bureaucratic solution. Furthermore, by terminating the lives of all 70 year olds, New Labour are showing that they retain their socialist credentials by seeking to apply the same fate to a hard-working and thrifty family that has built up good private provision for their retirement as to lazy and indigent individuals who continue to rely on the state for a hand-out.
Government sources were quick to deny these allegations but controversial Labour backbencher, Richard Collier did voice his support for the measure. “I think it’s disgusting that in the 21st century the rich and privileged getting to live on while the workers they exploit, exhausted by working long hours in terrible conditions, die early. These proposals may not be perfect, but as a rare example of genuine socialist egalitarianism from this government, I support them.”
Amongst the general public, there was initial support from city banker, Simon Hawes. “Well, absolutely, anything that allows us to reduce our tax burden is great.” Asked if he thought it wasn’t rather cruel he responded “I don’t think so, after all old people never seem happy anyway. Of course I haven’t been to visit my parents since they had to go in a home, but I can’t imagine they can be enjoying life much, what with arthritis, dementia, impotence and all those other things that old people get.”